I’m not dead yet…

It’s almost been a year since the separation.  Feels strange that it’s been this long.  I have put my best foot forward and I have held my head up high…but i have to be honest with myself.  This has been the worst experience of my life to date…the cheating is what hurts the absolute most.  Cheating is one thing…but everything else that goes along with it is what the other person doesn’t see.  The mistrust and betrayal and torment that goes through your mind.  I rather not think about it…but I would love to scream…”you fucking asshole…why didn’t you just tell me the truth!”  For awhile all I wanted to listen to was Adam Sandler’s “somebody kill me please” from the Wedding Singer.  And then there’s the “other woman.”  Well, when i called her to confront her…she hung up on me.  She wasnt even woman enough to just talk to me.  I don’t blame her.  I can’t blame her.  She knew he was married but him…he had a wife and son waiting home for him every night.  That’s all over now.  I don’t hate him.  In fact, I love him…he’s the father of my son…and a man that I thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Shit happens right.  People make mistakes…and they’re entitled to.  I mean who am I judge him.  I hope hes happy…and i mean it.   Hopefully the papers will be signed soon.  I don’t want to be married to him anymore, but technically, i still am…its frustrating.  Despite all the frustration and all the other shit…i don’t regret a thing. The experience allowed me to grow stronger…and made me a better person…I can’t hate on that.  It also made me realize that I like me…I like who I am.  And for that…I thank him.

Keep Control…

Think it´s time to put an end to it
to try clean my head again
try to resuscitate my engine
try to walk back where i ran

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

i break up all the things behind me
going on the other way
try to find myself again slowly
to move on the other day
all the nights i kept my eyes open
all the days i tried to sleep
wash away the troubles around me
did not see i fell too deep

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

something new has moved into my life
an essential missing part
takes control of my past addiction
and reanimates my heart

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

keep control..

~Sono~

Mos Def – Ecstatic

When I was younger, I remember being so excited about an album dropping….and I couldn’t wait for Tuesday to come.  The anticipation…I would run to either Coconuts, or the mom & pop record shops, or the closest music store to my house.   Of course, in my day, I bought tapes.  Who can forget Raekwon’s purple tape…The Fugees-The Score…All of Pac’s albums…Jay Z…I think I bought Reasonable Doubt 3 times…twice on tape and once on CD.  I do believe they are all warped.   But…the best part about it all, was buying the album, poppin the tape in the deck and listening to the whole album before going home.  Just driving around, waisting gas, picking up my friends…”wait a second…rewind…he said what?!”  I miss that.  Call me old school, or call me “old.”  It’s not that I’m hating on technology, because I love it.  It’s just that technology makes it so easy to get it “now.”  There’s no buildup…no anticipation.  Hearing the first single drop on the radio and loving it…and then having to wait for the album.  I used to love that.  But enought of that…  The whole point of me writing this is because I can’t wait for Mos Def’s album to drop on Tuesday.  I haven’t been excited about an album, besides Eminem’s, like this in a long time.  I love Mos Def.  If you want to hear an opinion on Mos Def’s Ecstatic from a single mom from Jersey…wait no further…Dope beats, Dope lyrics=Dope album.   Happy Friday people.

The Roots and Jill Scott

Any fans of the Roots out there?  One of my all time favorite songs from them is “You Got Me.”  Eryka Badu is the original singer on the chorus…however, the woman who wrote that peice is Jill Scott.  In my humble opinion, I do believe that Jill Scott’s live version with the Roots is much better.  Her voice…powerful.   Unfortunately, we live in a world where radio play is filled with the Britney Spears, Rhiana (I’m sorry, she’s nasally!) and the Lady Ga Ga’s of the world…and I’m not knockin them for what they do…and if you like that kinda music, go for yours.  But…and this is a big but, I think real talent is overlooked and we, the people, are deprived of these amazing talents because…well, they might not be a size 2 and walk around in booty shorts.   I, however, do not particularly care for that kind of music.  I’m more of a Gladys Knight kinda girl…have you heard “Midnight Train to Georgia?”  It’s one of favorite songs of all time.   And there’s only one word to describe the Gladys Knight, Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston…and of course, the Jill Scott’s of the world….Soulful.  The ability to reach out and touch someone’s soul…I mean really feel their voice throughout your body and get the chills kinda talent.  Soulful…powerful…the kinda voices that you don’t even need music behind them because their voice itself…is melody.   Have you ever listened to Whitney Houston’s “Run To You” accapella?  That speaks for itself.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, the Roots and Jill Scott’s version of “You Got me.”  If you haven’t heard it…I highly recommend it.  I guarantee you…you will walk away with a different perspective of music…and wonder why…you don’t hear more of Jill Scott (or the Roots for that matter) on the radio.   One more thing…let’s not forget Quest Love on the drums…the man is amazing.  And…Common…”New York you know relationships get ill.”  Peace, love and happiness peoples…:)

Speak truth…

It’s been kinda hard to sit back lately with the knives stuck in my back.   They were recently pulled out, one by one…but the wound is fresh.  Surely, after the pain goes away….I’m sure the scars will remain.  What’s worse than the wound, and the scars…is how much pain I felt as they were slowly tearing through my flesh and digging deep into my back.  A sheep in the midst of wolves…I made it out…alive!

Someone recently asked me…”Will you ever be able to trust again?”  My answer is…yes, I will.  Flesh is just flesh…but my spirit remains intact.  For no matters of the flesh will ever break my spirit.  I will not deny nor deprive myself of true value…true worth…true wealth in life.   A great quote by Albert Einstein says it all: “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediorce minds.”  Speak truth Mr. Einstein…speak truth.

Mom and Son…

One of my favorite thing to do in the whole entire world is read to my child before he goes to bed.  It’s usually a different book every night followed by Psalms 23.   He is starting to recite Psalms 23 with me every night…so I know that I’ve had his undivided attention when reading that verse to him.  Yesterday, I had borrowed a new book from his school entitled “Love You Forever.”  It is the sweetest story I have ever read.  It shows the bond that a mom has with her son.  No matter how old he gets, he will always be my baby.  The mother rocks her son back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and as she does this, she sings him a song:

“I’ll love you forever…I’ll like you for always…As long as I’m living…My baby you’ll be.”  With the tears streaming down my face, my son looks at me after I was finished, with those big blue eyes and said to me “Read it again mommy.”  And I did…and after I read it to him…he took the book and read it to me.  He’s only 4, and he can’t read yet, but he read it off memory.  This is a moment.  A moment that he will never forget, and that I will never forget.  It couldn’t have come at a better time.

When the mom in the story grew old…her son picked her up and rocked her back and forth…back and forth…and sang her a song:

“I’ll love you forever…I’ll like you for always…As long as I’m living…My mommy you’ll be.”

I can’t even think about it without tears coming to my eyes…but that is the truth.  Nothing can come between a bond between mother and son…especially when that bond is nothing else but unconditional love and trust.  Nothing and no one will ever come between my son and I…because I’ll love him forever…I’ll like him for always…As long as I’m living…My baby he’ll be. 

For someone who I’ll never forget…

Letting go of you for good…but I wish you well.  I wish you nothing but the best, you deserve it.  And hey, “who knew” right?

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh
That’s right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That’s right

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I’d give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
‘fore they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong and
That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

~Pink~

Soulmates

Lying in bed, the darkness of the night surrounds me. Gazing out my window on a cloudy night, my eyelids weigh heavily on my eyes. Not a star in sight. I can still see the faint glow of the moon light camouflaged behind the smokiness of the clouds. That’s my liberation. He pointed at the moon, and said “free yourself little girl…free yourself.”

“I want to go home. I don’t belong down here…I’ve always known, but I just can’t let go…I just can’t give up on him.”

“You, my child, are here for a reason. You must not let the delusions of the world drag you down with their powers of lust, hatred and greed. You are down here for him. And you are the one who has chosen to come find him again.”

“Why? When all I do is suffer…why did I choose to return for him?”

“Unfinished business.”

“I’ve always known. I left him a million times. Only to return.”

“His flesh is corrupted.”

“It is not his flesh that I desire.”

“You are wise, you have learned many lessons I see. His spirit needs you…it always has. But it is your choice and only your choice if you choose to let him go.”

“How can I let him go? Who will catch him when he falls? The powers that be consumed him, and have left him in a deep sleep, but I know, deep down, I can awaken him.”

“If you must. But let it be known, this is a difficult task at hand.”

“Do not worry for me.”

“You are simple at heart…your spirit is kind. For if this is your destiny, then fulfill it. I only have one question for you, my simple child…Would you give up heaven to be with him in hell?”

“Yes…I would…I already have. But I cannot stay here much longer, for my spirit yearns to have him by my side in peace and harmony. I will show him. I will lead him. I will guide him.”

I closed my eyes, prepared for my journey to fly around the universe in my dreams. I feel a poke at my side…

“This is truly something special my child…for you have found your soul mate in sleep…and in sleep, his spirit dreams about you.”

“And I dream of him.”